I Don't Like Mondays

It starts with the precursor to the tension headache on Sunday night. The tightening of the muscles in the neck and shoulders, with the eventual pain that crawls up the neck and settles in at the base of the skull, plunging its long barbed tail into the cerebral cortex while its tentacles reach out and settle upon your frontal lobes like an octopus enveloping its dinner. That's when you know that this visitor has decided to make itself comfortable and settle in for a long stay.

Every Sunday night is this way for me now, one whole year in to this job that started out with so much promise.

I'm just not cut out for this anymore. Mindless work that, at the end of the day, makes no difference.

Even though I am a Subject Matter Expert at Quality Management Systems and have an intuitive ability to interpret and implement requirements, my voice is often unheeded. Though this is what they hired me for, they aren't listening; they want to second guess my interpretation and my working understanding of the Requirements. The VP even told me that he thinks maybe we need to benchmark other companies and see how they are doing this stuff. I looked at him, agog, jaw agape, as an entire career flashed before my eyes in an instant: 20 years in this industry, 20 years of experience that led to my understanding and execution of the requirements - and I'm going to get second guessed by this ... well, this kid, who is an amazingly intelligent wunderkind with precisely 3 years of experience.

Ugh. None of this matters, anyway. This is not who I am. This is not how I identify. This is just the job that pays the bills. Now if only I could scale it back in my subconscious and mitigate the stress.

"Blah blah blah requirement requirement AS9100 details ISO9001 blah blah blah". Drawing pyramids on whiteboards; "blah blah requirements blah blah Command Media Hierarchy blah blah QMS Structure"... nobody's listening; why do I keep doing this?

I don't get to be a good Quality Engineer, because they want me to function as an (uncompensated) Quality Manager so the extant Quality Manager can play "Shameless Self Promotion: Climbing the Corporate Ladder" (incidentally, not included in my job description). Then they have me working on the AS9100 implementation and I am getting told by my boss every day that I am a shitty Project Manager. 

"I'm not a project manager; I never told you that I was, and my resume does not even imply it. I am a Quality Engineer."

He cocks a brow at me and says "well, I haven't seen much evidence of that, either."

Well, fuck you, buddy. I am an EXCELLENT Quality Engineer. I am an EXCELLENT Quality Management Systems manager. Just because I'm not good at doing YOUR job doesn't make me an idiot (although, to be honest, I do a better job at being Quality Manager than he does; I pay attention to the processes, the metrics, the process health. I have people who enjoy working for me. This man is just an ass).

I come to work on Monday morning, exhausted, headachy and cranky. Early on in this job, before I realized that I was working for a chronic liar, I used to tell him about my weekend exploits. I come in on Monday morning, often late (though as a salaried employee that's not a huge deal), and he assumes that I am exhausted from the weekend. I dare not tell him that the Sunday Night Insomnia hit just as the headache invaded my person.

At the end of the day, it's just a job, and as long as I can get through the day without getting fired, it's all good.

I have to work on meditations; I have to work on getting my nonprofit status; I need to work on getting out of this meaningless industry and do something that MEANS something.

Because this? This isn't it.