I can't

So I'm sitting here in my office, where I should be working. Should be writing procedures. Should be creating forms and updating logs...

... and I can't. I can't because I am crying. I can't stop. I can't see through my tears.

Half the time I don't even notice until the tears fall onto my hands as they type, or onto my chest, or onto the documents I am reading. I am so used to crying being as much of a part of daily life, it's akin to breathing, and so I don't notice until presented with the evidence.

But the last few days, it's been crippling again, as it was in the beginning - or should I say, in the end?

There's no reason for it. Well, no new reason for it. The way a breeze grabs a loose tendril of my hair. The way the sunlight hits a tree. The smell of the rain. And then, without warning, suddenly I am in tears again.

But the heartbreak is only part of it.

Rescue. I can't tell you how much time I spend scrubbing cat pee off my floors, blinded by tears, sobbing "you guys have ruined everything, you guys have ruined my life you have ruined my house you have ruined my relationship you have ruined my friendships you have ruined my floors you have ruined my bank account you have ruined everything I own and everything I am and any potential I had for having anything other than this in my life". It's a mantra; I repeat it, choking on sobs, every time I clean up yet another mess.

And then I am having a hard time with how fast the years and life has just blown past me. Just yesterday I was a carefree 17 year old and my whole life was ahead of me and full of possibility. And now, I look and it's more than half over and it's never going to get better than it is right now, and right now it is pretty terrible. My house is falling down around my ears and I can't afford to fix anything and there are a million cats at the house and it's just never going to get better.

I googled my house yesterday to look something up. The Google Street View image has changed to a more recent photo than what was there before; you can see the difference pre-rescue vs. now. The house is now in shambles, the yard is terrible, the fence is falling down and the paint is peeling and let me tell you the inside looks just as bad as the outside.

It's just so pointless. And no good deed goes unpunished; the one dude's cats are going on 485 days at my house. And they are totally not adoptable, it's not like I can do anything with them but continue to warehouse them. The other couple has had their cats with me for 7 months now and Chaka has cost me $4500 ($2000 was donated by my friend Kathy) out of pocket. I told Laura I couldn't help with Buster and ended up paying $2k out of pocket. Thousands of dollars spent at primary. MBAH. SNPLA. It's all too much. It's all GONE. Because I am a sucker and a doormat and an idiot.

This is how it ends, folks. This is how it ends. Surrounded by cats, broke, and alone.

(don't worry, I'm not suicidal; who would take care of the cats? Besides, the life insurance won't pay out for suicides).

heat wave

Well, let's hope they didn't manage to kill another one in the heat. I assume they still have one cat banished to a cage in the yard. Let's hope they remembered to provide water this time.

jerks

First, she rolled her fat ass onto one kitten and killed it

They shopped for and adopted the replacement for their ancient dog before rigor mortis had even set it

They banished the elderly cat and the sick cat - both with elimination problems - to the patio. And then neglected the animals during a heat wave. One cat died because they had no water for who knows how long.

The Big Fat Load takes her cats to the clinic just loose in her arms, like an irresponsible dipshit, and then gets offended when someone criticizes this.

And then? They just brought home another fucking kitten.

Oh, don't worry - I'm sure one of the others will be dead soon enough - maybe neglect, maybe she'll eat it for lunch or something - to make room for the newest baby.

Or maybe they will just feed it to the snake.

God I hate those people.

OMG Why am I still reading this shit?

Confidential to the former friend:

(1) the rescuers were probably pissed at you because you have "I BUY DOGS FROM BACKYARD BREEDERS" in a big neon sign over your head, you troll.

Oh, yes - THE RESCUERS are the ignorant ones. I'm pretty sure none of THEM has ever rolled their enormous girth over onto a cat and smashed it to a slow, painful death. I'm pretty sure none of THEM go out and buy dogs from breeders on Craigslist. I'm sure none of THEM are breeding animals to feed to other animals.

Hey - why even bother getting the kittens fixed? You can always just breed the cats for the purpose of supplying the snake with a steady diet of kittens.

They were advising you to keep your cats outside of the clinic because most cats are scared when they are in there, because everybody's dogs are pretty wound up. I leave my ferals in the car until it's time for us to check in for just this reason. And yet, THEY are the ignorant ones. Sure, buddy. And do you know why they don't seem to care? Because they are exhausted. They are exhausted because there are too many animals for us to take care of - because fucking idiots like you BUY ANIMALS FROM BREEDERS.

And I just KNOW that one of these days you're going to decide to buy a breeding pair of purebred SOMETHING, so your children can "experience the miracle of birth", We all know it's an eventuality with you.

(2) don't worry, your father in law will be dead soon and then you won't have to even pretend like you're thinking about paying the mortgage any more!

You are a horrible, odious troll.

I really need to stop reading her blog

What is it that compels us to behave in such a fashion?

I mean, she and I were not "friends" in any real sense; it's not like there's something missing in my life with this friendship ended.

It's almost spite-reading. Ok, it's outright spite-reading, and it's not nice, and I have to stop.

But I just have to get this one bitchy comment in first:

LOL - Binge watching 13 hours of a television show should be a piece of cake for you - perhaps even literally? - with your new pot habit.

Your bogus medical marijuana card is probably not helping with your diabetes, though, I would imagine.

Anyway, good luck with your binge-watching - if anyone can sit on their ass and watch TV for 13 hours, it's you! You got this! Go you!

Ugh.

On the other hand, though - at least by reading her riveting, fascinating blog, I know when she will be taking her puppy mill dogs to the vet, so I can reschedule my own appointments.

We're never going to make it

AS9100 is just never going to happen here. This place lacks the discipline.

bitchy

I broke up with my longtime friend after she and her husband bought their SECOND backyard breeder dog.

She wasn't much of a friend, so I didn't lose much; she was never there when I needed her, never available to hang out with someone who hasn't shat out a kid. All I was to her was a blog audience, blog fodder, and a petsitter. Which, you know - fine, I get it. I'm not in the mom's club. But for fuck's sake, I had more of a reciprocal relationship with Alex.

But somehow, for some stupid reason, I'm spite-reading her blog. I know, right? WTF is that all about??

I need to stop.