I can't

So I'm sitting here in my office, where I should be working. Should be writing procedures. Should be creating forms and updating logs...

... and I can't. I can't because I am crying. I can't stop. I can't see through my tears.

Half the time I don't even notice until the tears fall onto my hands as they type, or onto my chest, or onto the documents I am reading. I am so used to crying being as much of a part of daily life, it's akin to breathing, and so I don't notice until presented with the evidence.

But the last few days, it's been crippling again, as it was in the beginning - or should I say, in the end?

There's no reason for it. Well, no new reason for it. The way a breeze grabs a loose tendril of my hair. The way the sunlight hits a tree. The smell of the rain. And then, without warning, suddenly I am in tears again.

But the heartbreak is only part of it.

Rescue. I can't tell you how much time I spend scrubbing cat pee off my floors, blinded by tears, sobbing "you guys have ruined everything, you guys have ruined my life you have ruined my house you have ruined my relationship you have ruined my friendships you have ruined my floors you have ruined my bank account you have ruined everything I own and everything I am and any potential I had for having anything other than this in my life". It's a mantra; I repeat it, choking on sobs, every time I clean up yet another mess.

And then I am having a hard time with how fast the years and life has just blown past me. Just yesterday I was a carefree 17 year old and my whole life was ahead of me and full of possibility. And now, I look and it's more than half over and it's never going to get better than it is right now, and right now it is pretty terrible. My house is falling down around my ears and I can't afford to fix anything and there are a million cats at the house and it's just never going to get better.

I googled my house yesterday to look something up. The Google Street View image has changed to a more recent photo than what was there before; you can see the difference pre-rescue vs. now. The house is now in shambles, the yard is terrible, the fence is falling down and the paint is peeling and let me tell you the inside looks just as bad as the outside.

It's just so pointless. And no good deed goes unpunished; the one dude's cats are going on 485 days at my house. And they are totally not adoptable, it's not like I can do anything with them but continue to warehouse them. The other couple has had their cats with me for 7 months now and Chaka has cost me $4500 ($2000 was donated by my friend Kathy) out of pocket. I told Laura I couldn't help with Buster and ended up paying $2k out of pocket. Thousands of dollars spent at primary. MBAH. SNPLA. It's all too much. It's all GONE. Because I am a sucker and a doormat and an idiot.

This is how it ends, folks. This is how it ends. Surrounded by cats, broke, and alone.

(don't worry, I'm not suicidal; who would take care of the cats? Besides, the life insurance won't pay out for suicides).